Army Heart-Throb
by nootylicious
Summary: It's just another regular day at the Hyrulean barracks. The sun is shining, and everyone is training for battle as usual. It's a completely ordinary scenario. That is, until everyone starts confessing their love to Impa. (Rated K for possible (unintended) sexual references, depending on how you look at it.)


The sweat ran down Impa's neck, and trickled down her back. Her muscled screamed in agony as she swung her sword methodically over her head and sent it crashing to the ground. It was a sword taller than Impa herself, and at least twice as heavy. But it was nothing to her. She had to be able to endure such things, being the captain of the Royal Guard and Princess Zelda's personal bodyguard.

She had been training for over three hours now. It was about time for a break. She walked over to the weapons rack, and dumped her sword in the dust with a loud clunk. She stretched her arms over her head, pulling her muscles taut, and padded out of the training ring. She grabbed a bottle of water on her way out.

It was another sunny day at the barracks. Soldiers diligently trained by the tents, practicing lunges and sparring with each other. Many of them stopped to salute Impa as she passed them by, with a "Good morning, Captain!," or a "Training hard, Captain?".

A high pitched voice stood out among the other masculine voices. Impa spotted Lana's blue hair a ways off. She was training hard, like the rest of the soldiers. She was using her summoning gate, and was conjuring... Cuccos? Okay, maybe she wasn't training so hard. She summoned about five, and then, seeming to think that was enough, set down the summoning gate. The Cuccos clucked off, straying in random directions. Lana looked up and saw Impa watching her.

"Oh, good morning, Captain Impa!" she called.

"Good morning, Lana," Impa replied. "...Training hard, I'm glad to see." She looked to a stray Cucco that was now surrounded by (shaking) soldiers with their swords drawn.

Lana giggled. "Yup!"

There was a pause. "...Well, I must get back to my training. Please, continue to work hard." Impa excused herself, and began to walk back towards the training ring.

"U-um, wait!" Lana called, grabbing Impa's wrist. She turned around, and looked down at her. Lana quickly let go, looking embarassed. "Um, I'm sorry... Could I talk to you for a moment, Captain?"

"Uh, of course."

The sorceress led her around the side of a tent. She stopped, and turned to Impa, not meeting her eyes.

"Is everything all right, Lana? Anything I can help you with?" Impa asked her. She was concerned. Lana wouldn't look her in the face, and she was blushing. Was it something so serious that Lana found it hard to talk about?

"Captain, I..." Lana's faint blush spread to the rest of her face, and she turned bright red. She still wouldn't meet Impa's eyes, and she kept fiddling with her skirt.

"Lana, are you okay? Tell me what's wrong," Impa said seriously, looking steadily into Lana's eyes.

Lana turned her head sharply in Impa's direction and stared intensely at her feet. "C-Captain, I like you!" she shouted, and then hid her face in her hands.

"W-what?" Impa cried. "You like... me? ...What?!"

"I've liked you ever since I first joined this army, but I couldn't work up the courage to say anything because you're so cool, and, you know, you're the captain, and..." Lana took a deep breath. "I'd be really happy if you'd go out with me!"

Impa turned as red as Lana. "Lana, I-I... I'm honoured, but I'm the captain of the Guard, and you're a soldier, and... it wouldn't work out. I must keep our relationship strictly professional." She put a hand to her forehead. This was a lot to take in.

Lana's face fell. "Oh..." Tears welled in her eyes, and her shoulders began to shake.

"W-wait, don't cry!" Impa cried, alarmed. She put one hand on Lana's shoulder and brushed the girl's fringe out of her eyes with the other. "Lana... we can still be friends, right?"

Lana turned to the side and covered her face with a hand. A sob shook her body. Impa's panic was rising.

"Please, don't cry!" she pleaded. How was she even supposed to deal with this? Slaying hordes of monsters was easier than this!

"I... I'm sorry, Captain." Lana tried to compose herself. "Please... pretend this never happened!" She ran off, crying.

"Wait!" Impa shouted after the younger girl's retreating figure, a hand extended in an attempt to stop her. But it was too late. She was already gone. This was terrible. She must feel crushed. How could Impa have been so heartless in turning her down? She wished that she could have said yes, even if it was only to spare Lana's feelings. But, what she had said was true. This war was too crucial, lives were at stake. There was no way that Impa could endanger someone's life by being in a relationship with them. She decided to try to bury her guilt and return to her training.

!/3

It was already mid-afternoon by the time Impa had finished up. She headed to the baths to wash away the sweat and fatigue.

Impa eased herself into the hot waters of the ladies' bath and sighed. She looked up at the sky and thought to Lana. The poor girl had taken the rejection very badly. But... she had never even given any signs of liking Impa. She wondered if anyone else in the army harboured feelings for her, if they were all as good at hiding it as Lana. Impa pushed the thought from her mind, angry at herself for even thinking such a thing. She had to focus on the campaign, and the guilt of rejecting Lana still hung over her like a cloud. She hoped that Lana would be okay. She was an attractive girl, and she would surely find someone who deserved her.

Her thoughts were interrupted when she noticed Ruto sitting in the other side of the bath.

"Ah, good afternoon, Princess Ruto."

Ruto laughed. "Please, just call me Ruto. And a very good afternoon to you, Captain Impa."

Impa laughed. The two chatted for a while until they came to a natural pause in the conversation. Impa was about to change the subject when she noticed that Ruto was staring rather intensely at her with a pensive expression on her face.

"What is it?" she asked.

"Hm..." Ruto looked at Impa for a while, then smiled cheekily. "Impa, do you have anyone in your life right now?"

"I-I'm sorry?" Impa asked, pondering the question.

"If not..." Ruto's smile turned flirtatious. "Then why not consider... me?"

"...What?!"

Ruto began to crawl over to Impa, looking her seductively in the eyes. "I said, why not consider me?"

Impa suddenly felt very exposed.

"I-If you'll excuse me, Princess, I have matters to attend to!" she stuttered, scrambling for her towel.

"Aww, you're no fun, Impa!" Ruto called poutily after her hastily retreating figure. "I know you've been eyeing me!"

Impa gave no reply, as she was already gone.

Ruto sat back down sulkily. "Well, _I've_ been eyeing _you_."

!/3

Impa walked as quickly as she could away from the baths. That made two confessions in one day. She had no idea how to deal with any of this. She'd never been in a relationship before. She couldn't even _remember_ hugging anyone other than her mother.

Her thoughts were broken through when she almost tripped over Agitha.

"Oh, please forgive me, Agitha! Are you hurt?" she asked, checking the young girl for injuries. Agitha smiled back brightly.

"No need to worry, my lil' butterfly!" she said cheerfully.

Impa paused. "I'm sorry, what did you call me?"

Agitha winked up at her. "Would you prefer ladybird? Or... I could call you my little honeybee!"

Impa felt a sinking feeling in the pit of her stomach.

Agitha carefully raised her hand to reveal a sparkling golden butterfly. "I found this little guy for you. He'll be yours..." (here, she fluttered her eyelashes at Impa), "...if you'll be mine."

Impa spun on her heel and walked as fast as she could in the opposite direction.

"Where are you buzzing off to, my queen bee?" Agitha called after her. She ignored the little girl.

What was _wrong_ with everyone today? That made three love confessions. In one day. And wasn't Agitha about 12? Impa broke into a cold sweat. No. That couldn't be considered a confession. It was just... deciding on nicknames. Yes, that was it.

Impa was stopped by one of the Hylian soldiers. He gave a salute, and went on to say, "Pardon for interrupting, Captain, but the Princess has summoned you."

The Princess? What could be the matter? She hoped it was nothing serious. She thanked the soldier, and began to make her way towards the Princess' tent.

!/3

"Princess?" Impa called softly as she lifted the tent's flap. Zelda was leaning against a table in the centre of the room. She looked deep in thought.

"I was told you ordered for me, my lady," Impa said, kneeling before her ruler. Zelda seemed to only just have noticed Impa's entrance, and smiled at her.

"Ah, Impa. I'm glad to see you came to quickly."

"Naturally, my lady." She straightened up. "I trust you wish to discuss strategies for the upcoming battle?"

Zelda's smile faded. Impa went cold. Was something the matter?

"No, Impa."

No strategies? Then, what could Zelda have summoned her f...

Oh, no.

Zelda blushed lightly and turned to the side. "I'm afraid that I must discuss more... personal matters with you..."

Ah.

Impa turned around and walked towards the tent flap, her face a mask.

"I-Impa? Where are you going?" Zelda asked, a little thrown.

"If you'll excuse me, Princess, I'm not feeling very well at the moment. I must retire to my tent," she replied stonily over her shoulder.

"Ah, I-I see," Zelda said, looking at Impa a little strangely. "Well, I hope you feel well soon."

"By your leave, Your Grace."

!/3

She walked away from the tent, quickening her pace with each step. She had to leave the army. There was no way she could stay now. Anyone else was bad enough, but there was no way she could break the heart of the Princess herself. She broke into a run. Where could she go? Maybe she could retire into the mountains, and train herself in the case that Zelda should ever need her. It went against everything she stood for, but she would have to leave. There was no way she could hurt Zelda by rejecting her. If she left, Zelda would eventually forget her, and move on to someone else. A relationship with Impa could endanger her life and country.

She had reached her tent. She grabbed some clothes and stuffed them in a bag, and looked around for a weapon to bring, should the need be.

"Impa? Are you in here?" came Midna's voice.

Impa spun around, sweating nervously. She was caught red-handed. Now, she would be executed for treason. It was no less than she deserved, abandoning her Queen and country like this.

"Ah." Midna stood in the door of her tent, a smile spreading across her face. "I found you."

Impa laughed, a nervous, high-pitched strain. "Yes! You've found me. Ha ha. Well, congratulations!"

"Thank you. I'm told I'm very good at hide and seek." Her fang escaped from her mouth, and rested impishly on her lower lip. "Anyhow, though, that's not what I came here for."

"Please don't tell me you love me!" Impa blurted out.

Midna looked at her strangely. For a wonderful moment, Impa thought that she had been wrong and that the Twilight Princess' reasons for visiting had been purely chaste, but then Midna put her hand on her hip.

"Why, that's exactly what I came here to do," she chuckled, grinning.

Impa suddenly grabbed her bag and her naginata and bolted past Midna. Midna spun around, her hair flung about at Impa's speed, and frowned.

"What? Is it because I'm short? I can look much prettier for you if you want!" she shouted, transforming into her true form of a tall, pale blue-skinned woman. Impa didn't stay long enough to hear.

!/3

Impa ran through the forest as quickly as her legs could carry her. She had to go. Far away. Where no one could find her. _Especially_ the princess. She didn't know what had gotten into everyone today, but at this point, she didn't care. It seemed that everyone had suddenly found her so irresistable that it had thrown the army into chaos, and she couldn't stay long enough to let that chaos spread.

Suddenly, a low chuckle echoed through the trees. Impa stopped dead in her tracks and brandished her naginata. She looked around for the source of the noise, and found it high in the branches of an exceptionally tall tree. Ghirahim sat on one of the boughs, looking condescendingly down at her. For some ridiculous reason, she felt relieved at his appearance. There was no way that Ghirahim could have been caught up in this awful spell of sorts. He was probably just looking for a fight, which she was more than happy to give him.

He disappeared from his spot in the tree, and apparated right in front of her. She raised her naginata to slash at him, but he suddenly caught her off guard by stepping right up to her and grabbing her chin.

"Such a pretty face. You're spoiling it by frowning so fiercely, you know," he crooned. Impa swore that the bottom of her stomach had fallen through her. She had no idea how to react to this. All she knew was that she had an incredibly strong urge to rip his earring out.

Suddenly, though, she was saved by a loud screeching noise, and Ghirahim was whacked in the side of the head by a whirling blur. He sprawled on the ground, and the blur stopped moving for long enough to let her know that it was Zant.

"Leave her alone!" he shrieked. Ghirahim wiped his mouth and glared fiercely up at his co-general. Impa looked into the eyes of her saviour. He locked eyes with her and smiled. "She's going to be my girlfriend."

Impa suddenly felt faint.

Ghirahim summoned a blade and slashed at Zant, who leapt back.

" _Your_ girlfriend? As if you could get anyone to date you! No, this is _my_ girlfriend," he snarled. Zant's helmet snapped on over his face, and he brandished his scimitars.

" _I_ don't _need_ make-up to get a girlfriend," Zant taunted.

"Implying that you could get a girlfriend otherwise!" Ghirahim snapped, slashing at Zant again.

Suddenly, the three heard a distant creaking noise, followed by a crash. The noises repeated again and again, getting closer each time, until the tree in front of them let out a groan and fell forward, squashing both Zant and Ghirahim. Impa looked at whatever had caused it in shock, and saw Ganondorf himself standing on top of the trunk. A path of felled trees lay behind him, and he focused his intense glare upon Impa. Without warning, he grabbed her hands in his enormous ones.

"Be my Gerudo princess!" he roared, not breaking eye contact.

Suddenly, Ghirahim was upon him, having freed himself from underneath the fallen tree.

"Sorry, Master, but that's _my_ girlfriend you're after!" he snarled, pulling at Ganondorf's hair. Zant quickly joined the fray, biting on Ganondorf's ear while repeatedly kicking Ghirahim in the face. The three struggled for a while until Ganondorf threw the duo off of him with a mighty roar. Zant and Ghirahim picked themselved up and readied themselves for another round, when they noticed that Impa had disappeared. They looked around, confused, for a while, when they suddenly heard the roar of a distant army. Midna's voice could be heard over the din.

"I think she went into the forest!" she shouted. A war cry went up amongst the soldiers, and the evil trio turned to see possibly thousands of Hyrulean soldiers rampaging their way through the forest towards them. They looked at each other, and without a second though, turned and gave chase after Impa's fleeing figure.

!/3

Impa's heart was about to burst from her chest. She had been running for what seemed like all day, and the battle roar of the army still hadn't died down. She had no idea what motivated them to chase her for so long, nor what they would even do when they caught up with her, but she didn't want to find out. However, she was almost completely exhausted of all energy. If she kept running, she would collapse, and who knows what would happen then. So she slowed to a stop, and brandished her naginata. Within moments, she was surrounded by the Hyrulean army, as well as Ganondorf, Ghirahim and Zant, but she kept them all at bay in a circle around her with her naginata. Everyone was silent as they all stared at her, panting heavily, while she stared them down as well. The tension could have been cut with a knife.

"Everyone," she panted calmly, but her voice shook, "I ask you to cease and desist. I do not wish to use violence upon my own comrades, but I may be forced to if you continue this behaviour. For your sake and mine, I ask you to leave me alone."

"But I love you!" shouted Lana from somewhere in the crowd.

"Yeah! Me too!" shouted a random soldier. "Please go out with me, General!"

"No way! You're useless in battle! The General deserves someone like me!" shouted another soldier. They all began to clamour.

"Silence!" bellowed Ganondorf. "Such a fine warrior deserves no less than the King of Darkness himself. Think of all the riches I could give you, General. I could make you happy."

"Don't listen to him, Impa," came Zelda's clear voice, cutting through the crowd. The soldiers parted for her to make her way to the front. "You truly belong with me. Please, remember all of the times we shared. You and I are closer than any other. I believe you and I are soulmates, Impa."

"P-princess..." Impa said softly.

While this exchange was going on, Ruto was casually edging towards Impa. Midna suddenly noticed her, and grabbed her arm.

"Ohhh, no, you don't! _I_ see what you're doing, fish-breath!" she accused.

"Let me go, dog-brain! Can't you see Impa and I belong together?!" Ruto protested. The army suddenly fell into chaos as everybody began to push and shove to get as close to Impa as they could.

"Everyone, please, stay back!" Impa cried, waving her naginata. Just as someone reached out to grab her, she felt a strange sensation in the pit of her stomach, and she was surrounded by a purple light. Suddenly, she disappeared, leaving everyone to clamour over an empty spot.

!/3

Impa materialized in a stone room. She still clutched her naginata, which she slashed to try and disarm any foes that might have been in the vicinity. Instead, she almost nicked Cia, who dodged at the last second.

"Hey!" she snarled. "Watch it!"

"Ci... Cia?!" Impa exclaimed. The dark sorceress looked more like she was irritated at her close call than meaning Impa any harm.

"That's me," she grumbled.

"What did you... Why am I..." Impa fumbled, trying to pick out one of the millions of questions floating around in her mind.

Cia cut her off with a shrug. "You're here because I summoned you."

Impa paled. "Please tell me you're not going to-"

Cia scowled. "No! Link's the only one for me." She shook her head. "No. I called you here to help you with your... problem."

She raised an eyebrow. "You know of my affliction?"

Cia shrugged again, suddenly looking uncomfortable. "Well, uh, yeah. I kind of... caused it? Sort of?"

Dread was replaced with confusion as she took in Cia's words. "You... caused it?"

"You can't get mad, okay? We all make mistakes! Even someone as flawless as me!" Cia huffed.

"How did you-"

"So I kind of wanted to cast a spell on myself to make me totally irresistable." Her scowl deepened when Impa cocked her head. "You know, so Link would... yeah. Anyway. I was looking into my crystal ball at the time, and you just so happened to be in the same picture as Link, so, uh... Tada!"

Impa slowly realized what she meant. "The spell backfired and was cast upon me instead."

"Smart one, aren't you. Anyway, I saw the entire thing. It'd be funny if it weren't for the fact that the spell only works on one person at a time." She rolled her eyes. "So I'd really appreciate it if you-"

Suddenly, the door to Cia's spellroom opened and Volga walked in.

"Milady, it appears the Hyrulean army has been..." His speech trailed off as he saw Impa and his jaw dropped open. He stared for a while, then fumbled with his speech, struggling to regain the words he was going to speak. "I-I-I..."

Cia glared at him in irritation and chucked a spellbook at his head. "Get out!" she shrieked.

Volga kept his eyes on Impa until he managed to shut the door.

Cia huffed. "See what I mean? Anyway, I want my spell back. So I'd appreciate it if you'd let me take it."

Impa's eyes widened. "You want it back? Please, please take it! It had been nothing but a hindrance to me all day! It almost brought our army to its knees!"

Cia rolled her eyes again. "Yeah, sure. I'm not saying sorry, if that's what you're asking. Anyhoo, I'll just be taking back what's mine now."

She shut her eyes and raised her right hand until her palm was level with Impa's eyes. Before Impa could say anything, she was suddenly hit with a blinding light which quickly faded into darkness. She disappeared in a puff of white lights, leaving Cia standing alone in the empty room.

Cia sighed.

"Well, that's my good deed done for the day," she muttered to herself. She looked into the palm of her hand, where she expected the pink ball of magic to be expectantly sitting and waiting to be cast upon her. Instead, she only saw the skin of her hand. Her eyes widened, and she hurried over to the crystal ball. She squinted as she tried to see what had gone wrong, then screamed at the top of her lungs when she saw a certain warrior posing in the glass.

!/3

Impa was falling through a white expanse. She shouted for help, but her voice only echoed around her. What appeared to be the shadows of clocks phased in and out of the white void she found herself in. She attempted to twist herself around to see where she was falling to, and saw an enormous black clock face that was rapidly growing bigger. Before she had the chance to even scream, she made impact with it, and the world went white.

!/3

The sweat ran down Impa's neck, and trickled down her back. Her muscled screamed in agony as she swung her sword methodically over her head and sent it crashing to the ground. It was a sword taller than Impa herself, and at least twice as heavy. But it was nothing to her. She had to be able to endure such things, being the captain of the Royal Guard and Princess Zelda's personal bodyguard.

She had been training for over three hours now. It was about time for a break. She walked over to the weapons rack, and dumped her sword in the dust with a loud clunk. She stretched her arms over her head, pulling her muscles taut, and padded out of the training ring. She grabbed a bottle of water on her way out.

It was another sunny day at the barracks. Soldiers diligently trained by the tents, practicing lunges and sparring with each other. Many of them stopped to salute Impa as she passed them by, with a "Good morning, Captain!," or a "Training hard, Captain?".

Suddenly, a deep, booming voice calling her name caught Impa from behind. She could feel the ground shake with each of Darunia's running footsteps, and she turned around to greet him.

"Hey, Impa! You gotta help me!" he gasped desperately, completely out of breath. Before continuing, he turned around, as if to check that no one was following him. He then turned back to Impa and lowered his voice. "All right, so. I get up this morning, yeah? Ruto suddenly comes into my room and tells me she _loves_ me or something! Then Proxi tells me that Link loves me, too! Sure, there's nothing wrong with a little love between brothers, but none of us are even the same species! Since then, people have been telling me they love me left, right, and centre! It's crazy! You gotta help!" He looked around again, then back at Impa. "Hey, General, are you even listening?"

Impa was completely unable to focus on Darunia's words. Her attention was drawn to how perfectly chiselled his muscles were, and how his stomach was so beautifully round. She had never before noticed how much she had wanted to touch his beard. Unable to help it, Impa felt a blush dust her cheeks. Darunia's face fell. He was even more handsome when he was sad.

"D-Darunia. I know this may be a little unorthodox, especially considering that we are both army officers, and I a Shiekah... but I have just realized the depth of the feelings I hold for you." She got down on one knee and grabbed his hand in hers. "I would be honoured if you would grace me by agreeing to be my significant other."

Darunia stumbled back, pulling his hand away. Impa felt a pang in her chest at his withdrawal.

"Is it because of the difference in our races? Trust me when I say it matters not, my love! The boundaries of creation cannot hold back my affection for you!" she shouted, standing up to grab his hand again.

Suddenly, Darunia curled up into a ball, and began to roll at top speeds in the opposite direction.

"Darunia, wait!" she shouted, giving chase.

"Sorry, Impa! Sorry!" he bellowed.

"Please! I promise I can make you happy!"

She suddenly heard a growling, and turned her head to see Midna's shadow wolf sprinting alongside her, with Midna sitting astride it. Midna grinned impishly at her.

"Ignore her, Darunia! You and I could emalgamate our kingdoms! We could have as many dogs as you want!" she yelled.

"That is not true!" Impa cried.

She heard a splash, and turned her head to the other side to see Ruto swimming through the air alongside them.

"Think of all the times we've shared, Darunia! I claimed you first!" she called, ignoring the other two generals.

"Wait for us!" shouted Proxi, and Link fell into step with them. Soon, all of the Hyrulean army's generals were giving chase. No one even noticed when Ghirahim, Zant and Ganondorf showed up. The screams of the fleeing Goron even reached the enraged Cia from her spellroom.

"Give me a minute!" she shouted at her crystal ball, flicking through as many spellbooks as she could. It ended up taking longer than a minute.


End file.
